“Boundaries” have become a buzzword these days, but I believe it’s because many of us have problems establishing and keeping them, which continues to cause problems in our personal and professional life. I usually comment on a single quote, but this time I’ll be pulling from several that flow with my thought process on the subject.

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.

Tony Gaskins

Dr. Henry Cloud in his book Boundaries for Leaders recounted that one of his clients came to this awesome clarity: we are ridiculously in charge of what we allow in our life. I read that realization many years ago; it stuck with me and shifted some of my mindsets. Creating boundaries means taking responsibility, and, dare I say it, moving past victim mentality. In another conversation, we can talk about reaction vs. response, but the crux of this concept is that things happen, and they happen to everyone. What differs is how you respond to what has happened, and what you allow to affect your inner peace and stability. One of the greatest difficulties in establishing boundaries is believing we shouldn’t impose our expectations on others. What we fail to understand is that it’s not about our expectations, but rather about capacity to collaborate and give.

Two more quotes to ponder:

Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.

Doreen Virtue

Boundaries are hard to set and maintain if we doubt ourselves and our assessment of the situation. We often wonder if we are overreacting or being too sensitive. We need to set healthy boundaries if someone’s behaviors show their lack of respect for us and our feelings.

Shannon Thomas

In my coaching and leadership trainings, I teach that when you understand your compelling “yes” (Gary Keller – The One Thing), it becomes easier to know what to say “no” to. Healthy boundaries are part of the process; once you know what your values are, what is helpful for you, and what diminishes your sense of self, then start driving in the stakes that help you build your boundaries, allowing you to operate as your best self.

What are some concepts to keep in mind? Consider the following:

• It’s okay to say no
• You have a right to your own feelings
• You’re the only one who can determine what makes you happy
• It’s not your job to take responsibility for others
• It’s not even your job to fix others

There are more jump-off points we’ll pursue in the future, but this is a start. I have a workshop coming up called Boundaries: Building Fences not Fortresses (click here to be notified when I launch it) which will explore developing healthy boundaries that you can control, allowing the right people in without creating walls of isolation.